I've been moving pretty fast recently trying to tie up some loose ends job/school wise before the year gets really busy, so I've been meaning to write this post for a while. 

Recently I ended my contract at a clinic I worked at for the summer and I distinctly remember two instances that made me a) really down and b) really think. 

One was when a co worker was telling me how her 13 year old son had a bit of a break down and they are now signing up with some shrink that charges some disgusting amount of money for a first time consultation to see what they can do for him. there's nothing wrong with that, it just brought me down a few notches. The second was when I was working up at the front desk, which I rarely do and mainly consists of me checking in patients for their scheduled appointments. I remember a very pretty young girl, who was 14 (I'm not being weird, she was a pretty girl. Get over it.) coming in for an appointment labelled "anxiety" (for the record me even typing about this is a HUGE no-no but I am leaving out the name of the patient and doctor and clinic, obviously). I had to pull up her file for a split second and saw the word "depressed" all over the place. Again, I went down a little. 

Then it hit me: the early teen years, about 13-16 were incredibly tumultuous times for me, and clearly others as well. It's a time when you are becoming more and more adolescent yet still want to hold on to the comfort of being a child of (hopefully) caring parents. To the times when people looked after you and you didn't really have to care about much besides yourself. It was a time, I found, where everything felt very real

It's part of the human condition, I find, to look at someone else's situation and easily roll our eyes and think "wow". I do this to kids in high school relationships and what not who are being over dramatic etc. I then realize that may have been me. I'd say I was only in two relationships I'd consider as serious...one didn't last that long the other lasted a very long time until not that long ago, really. It ended and was beginning to show potential once more, but then that significant other made the mistake of drunkenly attempting to use someone I lost (as in lost) to try and pry out a reaction, so that kind of tore the last letter in half. That was off topic, and I apologize. 

The fact is, in the moment, when you're young, it seems like it's the biggest thing in the world. That it is everything to you. I think this may have to do with the fact you are finally beginning to project your strongest emotions from your family to other people you consider very close to you. I've only ever told someone I've loved them twice, and I don't really know what to make of it now. It's easy to look back and say "Marco you were just a kid" even when I was 16. It's just as easy to think back to when I was that age and how distinctly I remember it being such a big deal to me, so it's hard to decipher which is which. The fact is they are and/or can be true or false. I am trying hard to not make this a relationship post because to be perfectly honest I'm not the one to come to about that kind of thing. I have ideas in my head of how a lad should treat a dame, how morals work and how much it sucks to get fucked with but the fact is..yeah. I've only considered two relationships as big deals, and I've had my time of being an idiot with women. I have been blind drunk and paid the consequences in a sad hope that it may re-instill some kind of confidence and I got used to it. I've gotten it back, I'm sure. 

Those times were tough. Things we see today as little ups and downs seemed like massive highs and crushing defeats back then. Being knocked down until some next significant player in your life got tagged in and brought you back up, only for the process to repeat itself. I found out soon after that that one must be pleased with themselves in order to even think about pursuing another. 

So I like to think I meant everything I ever said to anyone in my past who meant a lot to me. I can't remember all the words but I do remember the times, and maybe they shaped me. Who knows. I wish I could have just told that young girl checking in at the clinic that it gets better, and that life can kick the shit out of you sometimes. The scene is, however, that everything you feel must be real. You've got to let it be.

John Mellencamp said "Hold on to sixteen for as long as you can.". I like that. I think one should embrace the  youth you had around that time of your life, be it how amazing it felt to hold someone's hand or how excruciatingly painful it was to lie awake at night watching the dull black of your phone on your bedside wishing it would light up, as you didn't know what you had done wrong. 

Again, it's late and I've lost track of what I was trying to write...but here's a post.
 


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