I’ll be honest with you all. 

I’m a bit fucking weird.

Now it’s your turn to be honest, and by that I mean I’ll bet you think you’re decently weird too. Today I caught myself at work thinking about some weird things, and I don’t mean some exotic porn involving a cactus and croquet mallet, I mean just odd things one imagines sometimes on a day to day basis that one really has no motive to imagine. 

It’s very easy to “think outside the box”, or whatever sayings go in concordance with that one. Mainly, it’s easy to think of something abstract and odd. Like instantaneously. I wonder how rich the people are who supply banks with the plastic sheets they cut into thousands of debit and credit cards. I wonder how many debit cards are issued each day. I wonder what would happen if my front wheel decided to just come off my bike while I ride down the steep somerset hill. I wonder if someone offered me a thousand dollars what I would do for it, be it walking up and dry humping an innocent patron of a coffee shop or just scream gibberish in a public setting. I don’t know, but this is the shit that goes through my mind sometimes. We all think abstract and with literally zero noticeable motive. 

I think of things that seem a little bit easier to understand. I think about what it would be like if certain people were still alive, or if some people had never been born. I imagine what it would be like to date a girl who is clearly madly in love with her boyfriend, I imagine what some people look like naked, and I think about how funny my life would be if I wore thug clothing. But is that weird? Because I think you do all that too. 

We think about these things (well, the ones that are somewhat reasonable) yet we do not act on them. We catch ourselves, which I find fascinating. We can imagine the most massively possible things that we could do with a flick of a wrist but we don’t do them. We are caged by our morals and something suppresses us which, if  you think any of the things I think (which you do, you fuck) is definitely a good thing. I think it’s incredible. What is doing that? What is telling me not to just blatantly walk up to a girl I think is gorgeous while she is clearly with her boyfriend and ask her on a date, telling her I’m way better for her and that she’d clearly enjoy herself more with me. Even if I did do it, I would a) look completely out of my mind and b) hopefully the lass would be enough in her own mind to have her man kick me dead. But why the fuck did I think that in the first place? Why do I imagine dating a girl who has a boyfriend? This example even creeps me out as I write it, yet I’ve done it before! Why do I bother thinking of something so morally wrong and impossible to occur and yet see it clear as day? How can this even happen? 

But you catch yourself.  You catch your brain, right? You have those “what the HELL, brain?!” moments. Why do these moments happen, and why do we let them happen? Perhaps it’s because this weird moral and outer force kind of swoops in and is like “RED LIGHT, SHUT THAT SHIT OFF” and nails us, and it’s like we know that, but don’t consciously know it because that would totally interrupt the thought process. It’s like we KNOW it’s there to stop us so it justifies the thought in the first place. 

I think the bottom line of this post was me realizing that anything and everything I’ve thought and felt as been thought and felt before regardless of whether or not it seems so incredibly new and unique to me. I could find this utterly depressing, but I don’t, and that’s because it does feel new and unique to me, and that’s what matters. My life is my instance. You’re not in it, you don’t know what I feel and/or think, and I obviously don’t know the same about you. No one can really know how someone else thinks or feels. You can describe it, easily, even, sometimes, but you are the only being who knows what’s going on. I’m the only one who knows what I’m thinking in my mind, and I know I’ll catch myself thinking it, and watch it unravel.

So I guess we’re all a little god damn crazy. 

I’ll bet you feel it, huh.

This was really weird to proofread.



09/19/2012 1:53pm

I've wondered the exact same thing about what stops us from acting on those mad impulses... usually when I'm flying down the road at 100 K's an hour and there's all these people flying towards me and we just assume we're not going to veer into each others' faces just to see what would happen. I even wrote a crappy poem about it in Grade 7. (Not that I was driving then).

Either we're related, or everything has been thought before. But keep thinking, anyway.


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