Hey, I'll tell you all right now this isn't really a post about fun and games and everything dames, it's kind of a serious one, I guess.
But first lets start with the weekend! Bottom line: I felt like shit due to battling a righteous cold the week before, got belligerently drunk Saturday night starting with me dancing to the Arkells in the family condo by myself with minimal clothing and a flask of whiskey, to going to the bar called "My Condo" to get incredibly drunk and then on to trusty Pier 21 to hit the Irish belligerent level. When my head hit the pillow at 3:45am it clued in that I was running my first half marathon that same day. At 9am. 2 hours and 10 minutes to run 21km while still intoxicated and ill ain't bad. I don't want to brag, but that's not fucking bad. Training is key, haters. Now unfortunately, lets get serious.
Autumn, or fall, is the season in which my moods are reflected the most. I do love it, as does everyone, apparently, but it just makes me think about a lot of stuff all the god damn time. It marks a time when a ton of stuff happened with my family. Gearing up to tap the maple trees on my Grandfather's farm with my cousins, a tradition done for a few years was a huge one for me. I am going to say one thing right now, and that is what I am about to say is NOT to try and grab your attention or seek pity points or any bullshit like that. The fact is this happened to me, this is my life and it's not to prove a point, and if you the reader thinks it is to try and snag one or all of the above, you can think whatever you want, but you're wrong. I lost my mother when I was 16. That is all I am getting into on that note, but the reason I mention it is because what would be her birthday is very soon, and that obviously pulls at heartstrings. My mother's father, my Grandfather, passed away before that by not very much time at all as well. These were the two key players that really made this time of the year so magical for me, so it's obviously a big hit, like I said.
As the weather and world around me changes quite dramatically as winter comes knocking, I feel myself change dramatically as well. I see all of us start to change a little bit. We're all getting into the thick of it with school and jobs, new relationships kindling and veteran ones starting to buckle. The fact is a lot of us begin to get focused and aren't really around the people we'd like to be around as much, I find.
I myself have lots of history to think about with my family. What I did before getting Irish drunk on Saturday was go home to my parents' house in the country, or what I call the Ferraris Estate. Beyond the house are a small network of trails that are lovely to walk. They go into a forest and systematically pop out to massive farmers' fields that are all growing corn, but because it's getting colder and things are starting to recede, nothing is green but more of a honey gold colour. It's really quite nice. Anyways. I remember how my mom would walk me down these trails because she was a huge fan of the leaves changing colour. We'd get some mad cool maple leaves and press them in huge books about nonsense. The kind of books you don't actually know why they are in your house.
There's a long section of this trail right near my house that gets lit up with sunlight and truly resembles like it's glowing. This is the Autumn Road. I walk this trail and I take it all in, I remember the times and I recall why I am here, and that I am still amongst friends and loved ones no matter what. That I do still indeed have a family that functions and that love one another. I don't know what to tell people when they tell me they're sorry about what happened because a)it's okay, I'm probably more sorry and b)I'm really alright. I mean yes it was absolutely devastating (this isn't a post about what happened with my mom, but clearly her loss wasn't taken lightly), but it's always more important to focus on recovering than wallowing, and I've fucking done enough of that. I don't know what to call it...but the only real.."tip" I guess I have if you're facing a loss in the family is just don't worry about living to make them proud or any weird spin on that. You make them proud and carry on their legacy with every move you make. By dragging yourself out of bed in the morning after being hit with that is an incredible feat and is exactly what they would want. I am not saying I am the almighty badass get out of bed-er, it just took me a long time to realize this. That maybe beating yourself up wondering if you're doing what they'd want and wishing on something that is the polar opposite of what is possible is not the way your time should be spent. Just live, you know?
So this is where my head is at, my focus. It's obviously kind of rough and tumble for me about now so maybe this post is some kind of apology. I'm sorry if I don't really seem present with my mind. I'm really sorry if it seems like I'm not giving you my undivided attention. I just love Autumn. It's my time to delve into who I am, where I am going and how I want to change, if I feel I need to. It's a time where I'll wear my massive wool toques, my Beaver Canoe apparel and strap on boots and walk the back 40 to feel at peace with whatever is out there that is willing to be at peace with me. I do not want to come off as some all knowing messiah. I was a boy who is growing into a man the same as anyone else, and I sure as hell do not expect to be treated any different. I am not some lost fellow who stays up late pondering the revenge on my enemies or how the world and whatever god is out there wronged me, battling my demons.
I do not feel like I explained what I am feeling in this post, but it's hard to nail it down in writing. And in the end, as much as I appreciate the amount of attention this blog gets...it's for me.
So I walk the Autumn Road, and in doing so find where my heart lies, which is in a straight line. I hope you have an Autumn Road, too. Some place you can feel utterly one with yourself. Even if it's the bedroom you've known your whole life or some getaway house in Bermuda (which would be rad).
It may have taken a long time, but I sleep just fine.